Denial Ain’t Just a River in Egypt

I recently read an interesting article explaining to women why they are still single. Likewise, I have many single male friends that complain about not encountering the right person. When asked questions regarding what they are seeking, they provide responses that indicate they maintain a focus that is shallow and selfish. I thought about how the article could be modified to also address single males and decided to provide the following advice expanding on comments from the article:

“..most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them.”
Like many, I went through a phase of falling for women that really had no interest in me. Some were mean and others simply indifferent. I also advised many of my female friends to focus on men that could appreciate their beauty and not focus on their faults. My epiphany happened when I decided to take my own advise and focussed on women that were nice to me (appreciated me, were attracted to me). Suddenly, my luck began to change.

“..men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy.”
This piece of the article talks about the shallow attributes some women focus on. Once again, I would advise my friends to pay attention to why she is with you. If her focus is looks, money or other shallow matters, then move on. In the same way, one should adjust one’s focus to finding a woman of character.

“..a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself.”
What defines a woman of character? Find a woman that can give as well as receive, who can compromise and who believes in the importance of family. If it is always her way or the highway, choose the highway. A total party girl will not be around for the long run (either she will get bored with you or you will get eventually get tired of the noisy club scene).

“..marriage is not about getting something — it’s about giving it.”
If you think you will be getting a maid or concubine once you get married, wake up! Being married is about working hard every day with your partner to make a future for both of you and your children. Waking up early to take your boys to their team’s baseball game and cheering them on as they play. The joy one gets comes from giving and sharing.

Article: Why You’re Not Married
Link: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-mcmillan/why-youre-not-married_b_822088.html?ref=fb&src=sp

July Quote – Goethe

July 2006 Quote:
"Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least." 
– Goethe

 

I recall Steven Covey’s "Habits" and the matrix of urgency vs. importance.  By not planning and strategically managing our lives, we end up focussing on the urgent and unimportant things in our lives rather than what is important.  When I start to get concerned about urgency, I try to remind myself that I am exactly where I am supposed to be at that given moment.  As Buckaroo Banzai once said, "…remember, no matter where you go, there you are." This coincides with  "Your Erroneous Zones" where Wayne W. Dyer emphasizes living in the now and provides a poignant lesson on how being anxious is a waste of time (perhaps this would fall under the urgently unimportant area). Dedicate a full minute to worrying needlessly and at the end of it all take stock of what you have accomplished.  Focus on the now and focus on the important.  

Let it happen!

Last year, I gave a lot of effort to romance and never quite succeeded. This year, based on a chapter I read written by Deepak Chopra on attachment, I decided to take a more non-attached approach.  I sent this email to a friend recently and decided to share my revelation regarding my new approach of letting things happen:

"My love life continues to take it’s twists and turns.  I was seeing someone on a "no-strings" basis and it was going pretty well.  Then, she decided to tie strings with someone and she can’t see me anymore.  What I liked most about our time together was that we could speak honestly and openly about everything.  Also, I never did anything to impress her or spoil her, I was just me (you know Jaime/Jimmy) the whole time we were together. The last time we spoke she told me that, if she hadn’t fallen in love with this other guy, she would’ve fallen in love with me. On the plus side, I realize that I was in the running without even trying!  I mean this guy beat me but I wasn’t competing (meanwhile he went through a lot of hoops to win her over).  So, I guess the moral of the story is that I don’t have to try so hard (I think that’s my problem) — if it’s meant to happen, it will. So, I’m just rolling with the flow and focussing on keeping myself healthy (I’ve lost around 30 pounds so far)."

Another aspect or corollary of this approach is to keep it simple.  This past weekend I had a great time because I decided to keep it simple.  Whenever I found my plans getting too complicated, I reviewed them and found a way to simplify my approach.  I think I may be on to something.

NEW MONOGAMY?

I found the following article related to my prior blog:

 

http://lifestyle.msn.com/Relationships/CouplesandMarriage/ArticleIV2.aspx?cp-documentid=299661&GT1=7909

 

It talks about cheating within the rules.  Most of the experts tend to agree that this does not work out.  The following is my favorite response from one of my favorite authors:

Dr. Ruth
"There’s No Acceptable Percentage of Risk"
Because I’m a sex therapist, I see the people who have problems, and that probably slants my view in a predictable direction. But boy, do I see problems when couples have been having sex with other people — even when both parties initially consented to the idea. Two happily married people might think that their relationship can survive introducing other partners into the mix. But when one partner gets jealous, then the damage done to the relationship is often irreparable.

Are there couples that engage in this agreed-upon cheating without incurring any harm? Possibly. So I guess the question becomes: What are the odds of a relationship falling apart because of such behavior? I can’t be certain, but if you value your relationship, there is no acceptable percentage of risk in my book. It’s my belief that the old monogamy is far better than the new one.

The original sexpert, Dr. Ruth has given advice for over 20 years and counting. She’s hosted many television shows — including Sexually Speaking with Dr. Ruth Westheimer and What’s Up, Dr. Ruth? among others. She’s written 30 books, such as Dr. Ruth’s Encyclopedia of Sex, The Art of Arousal (Abbeville Press) and her newest, Dr. Ruth’s Sex After 50: Revving Up Your Romance, Passion and Excitement! (A Best Half of Life), taught classes at Yale and been named one of People’s "Most Intriguing People of the Century."

THE HEART KNOWS NO TECHNICALITIES…

Situation:
My ex-friend (AMIGO) was dating a friend (LA_OTRA) of his fiancée (LA_NOVIA). He eventually found out that LA_OTRA hung out a lot with LA_NOVIA’s best friend (LA_AMIGA). I advised him to back off but he persisted until he was caught. LA_NOVIA had told AMIGO that he could see other girls but only under certain conditions. AMIGO will not admit to doing wrong because “technically” he obeyed the limitations of LA_NOVIA.

My email (in response to his request for advice):
AMIGO,
I can’t speak for TU_NOVIA but, from my experience, quoting subsection A of article 3b of the bylaws to point out a loophole wherein you did nothing wrong by being with LA_OTRA is probably not what she wants to hear. I think you should spend less energy looking for loopholes and more time trying to avoid anything that might even remotely hurt her feelings. Once you even suspected that LA_OTRA might be more than an acquaintance, you should have dumped her like a bad habit. Doing a friend of your fiancée (or a friend of your fiancée’s best friend LA_AMIGA) is just not cool, regardless of the rules laid out in the latest revision of the AMIGO-TU_NOVIA peace accord. If you really want to do right by this girl, try to be more proactive and focus more on the spirit rather than the letter of whatever emotional law you think currently applies.